I am so hungry.
Normally, I wouldn’t begin a column — or any piece of writing, really — by simply logging on and typing my current state.
But I’m on deadline, and I just had a cup of blueberries for lunch — my whole lunch — so it’s pretty much all I can come up with at the moment.
No readable memoir ever began with something so banal as “I am sad. Now read my stuff.”
And while, yes, it would be fair to point to a lack of imagination on my part, I’m choosing instead to place the blame in the same spot I’ve placed it for every negative emotion I’ve had in the last two weeks.
Squarely on the shoulders of my newest frenemy: Noom.
Now, I know ol’ Noomy means well — she’s supposed to be the motivational voice I need on my path to better health.
A new kind of lifestyle app, created to help me help myself, by being a guiding light toward my weight loss goals.
A proffered hand to the 100-pound point that’s eluded me so for the past several years.
Of course, that’s why I sought out her acquaintance in the first place.
But 14 days in, on a budget of 1,100 calories a day max, and Noom is starting to seem more menace than role model.
As though there’s a little person in my pocket, judging me constantly, and saying cruel things like “eat pancakes in moderation,” and “vegetables are better for you than bread.”
I’m just saying, maybe her name sounds like “doom” for a reason.
To be fair, I have shed about 8 pounds to date, so being accountable to her has had some result. It is definitely much more difficult to pig out in peace when you have to log every single bite of food you eat each day.
That said, it also feels much more difficult to enjoy anything at all ever again.
At least, it is for me. Pretty hard to hear the birdsong over the din of my stomach growls.
In all honesty, I don’t know why this weight-loss journey has me so bent out of shape — unhealthy as it may be, I’m no stranger to starvation dieting.
Maybe it’s because, before, I at least had the benefit of booze, cigarettes and, perhaps most importantly, youth.
I probably underestimated how much easier they made it in the past.
But I tell you, I’m determined.
So determined, in fact, that I’ve downloaded Lose It!, too, just in case I’m tempted to give Noom the cold shoulder.
This way, the two can team up, beating down my chocolate cravings along with my will to live.
The Mean Girls of weight loss, living in my phone.
And frankly, that’s fine if it works.
Because it’s true: I am hungry. I’m cranky and tired and sick to death of broccoli spears.
But if, in the end, I can wear a sleeveless shirt in public again, it will all have been worth it.
I will be so happy.
Katie McDowell is a lifestyles writer/copy editor. Email kmcdowell@dominionpost.com.
