How to listen to understand, not listen to respond

It seems we no longer listen to understand; we only listen to respond. The internet has certainly fostered this behavior by celebrating the cleverest quips and the sickest burns. But this isn’t just a phenomenon we see in cyberspace — it’s become the foundation of public discourse. We don’t discuss — we debate. We don’t listen to hear — we listen to react. It’s how we’ve been taught to “listen.” In school, you listen to the teacher and have an answer ready in case you get called on. You listen during a meeting, but half your brain is working to figure out what you can contribute to the conversation.

But now, we need to unlearn this behavior and learn to listen to understand instead. Here’s how we do that.

It’s called active and empathetic listening. First, you have to quiet the noise around you — both literal and metaphorical. This means giving your full attention to the person speaking. Maintain eye-contact instead of watching traffic go by. Don’t try to eavesdrop on another conversation while you are in the middle of this one.
Separate yourself from your thoughts (easier said than done, we know). Don’t think about grocery lists or errands. Don’t formulate your response or cast judgment. Focus your attention on the person speaking and “hear” more than just their words. Pay attention to body language and facial expressions. The majority of communication is non-verbal.

Give occasional acknowledgement to show you’re still engaged. A nod or an “uh-huh” works fine. Our expressions give away a lot (ever hear someone say, “Did I make that face out loud?”), so if we’re listening to what the person is saying, our faces will show it.

When the person is done speaking, paraphrase or summarize. Repeat back to them what you heard. This is a great way to make sure everyone is on the same page. Paraphrasing doesn’t always mean you agree, but it does show you listened and attempted to understand. This also gives the other person the opportunity to make corrections if the message they tried to send and the message you received are not the same.

Ask for clarification. If you don’t understand something the first time, that’s fine. Ask specific questions instead of throwing your hands in the air and saying “I don’t get it.” If you are respectful, honest and open, most people will continue to converse with you until you do understand.

Ask to have something repeated. We all get distracted, even when we are actively trying to pay attention. Instead of pretending you didn’t miss anything, wait until the person is done speaking, then ask them to repeat a specific part.

One of the hardest parts of active and empathetic listening is not thinking up responses while the other person speaks. We talked about this earlier: We’ve been conditioned to think responding is the only way to prove we paid attention.

We also have a tendency to think the best way to show we understand is to tell them about the time something similar happened to us. This reaction is usually well-intentioned, but it can come across as trying to bring the attention back to yourself or as competitive. To say “I understand” is enough. Usually, that is all the person needs from us anyway.