by Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz
There is a lot to be angry about.
Our political systems are dysfunctional and rife with hateful rhetoric. Headlines about multiple wars abroad are competing for our attention, while at home, we are fighting ideological wars for our basic rights or to protect our communities. A devastating pandemic is grinding through a fourth year. A culture of consumerism often saps power and resources from a huge number of workers and consumers. Climate change threatens ever-growing destruction. There is so much hate and violence.
And that’s just what’s in the news!
You might be angry about entirely personal things. Coping with work. Coping with a lack of work. Handling family relationships. Seeking family relationships. Managing illness. Or you could be carrying anger about past trauma.
If you are angry, you probably have good reason, and you definitely are not alone in that feeling.
This new year, let’s all think about anger as we are making resolutions. I reflect a lot on the moral development of our society based on my doctorate in developmental psychology from Columbia University in New York — which some might call the anger capital of the world! I lived for some years in the Holy Land, a place where we often can find a lot of holy rage. I am a rabbi in Arizona, one of the most politically divided states in our nation, situated on the border with Mexico. I am also a mentor to young people working to become activists and devote their energies to fighting, often with a lot of anger, for a better future.
And to my mentees, to my community members, to myself and to you, I want to say: Let’s work on managing our anger in 2024.
Here are the three ideas I want you to have in mind.
1. Your anger is a risk to you (and to others). If you give it free expression, you may feel it is right; you may be sure it is justified. And maybe it is. But it can cost you relationships, it can impede your functioning and it can degrade your health.
Some people have gotten the idea that the best way to relieve difficult emotions is to “let them out,” like joining a fight club to get rid of anger. But here’s the thing: Sometimes expressing emotions can reinforce them instead. Storming with rage can lead to more rage.
I suspect people are overcompensating for another big mistake — repressing anger in the hope that it will disappear.
There is so much anger, and the stakes are so high with what we do with it.
I see this over and over again with young activists who are living their lives, minute to minute, dominated by their sense of anger. People have treated them badly based on who they are. They hold onto those experiences, and then they feel that everyone they see hates them. They have good reason to be angry, but their anger has snowballed into rage that consumes them.
2. Your anger is wise. So what can you do, if expressing your anger is risky and repressing your anger is no better? Relate to it. Befriend it. Let it go, but not before it teaches you something about yourself or about the world. Try to understand it.
This is what I teach my mentees when they feel their anger demonstrates that their commitment is more valid or authentic. Ask your anger about the hurt from which it is truly coming and then look for ways to address that hurt. Your anger is your partner, not your nemesis, in this spiritual investigation.
And when we have shown it respect and addressed some of its needs — we don’t need to solve them all, just attend to them — it is also easier to thank our anger for showing up to support us and telling it, “I don’t need you right now,” when it gets in our way.
I hear of too many people who take on roles of guidance around handling emotions — and then simply validate the person’s emotions and go no further. Parenting, teaching and mentoring are about more than just validating complex emotions. I can validate emotions and bear witness to a person’s infinite value as a human — and still gently push them to constantly grow and actively improve their relationships with their emotions. And I also model how I do so myself. I certainly count on others to push me in my own growth.
3. Your anger is powerful. Not only can you learn from your anger, but also, the state of being angry can serve you.
Researchers at Texas A&M University recently published a research paper titled “Anger Has Benefits for Attaining Goals.” They conducted a series of experiments showing that anger can boost performance and/or motivation to achieve goals. Can we productively engage our anger to be more of service to our employers, families and communities? Can we animate our anger, in generative ways, to bring our emotional life at large to life so we avoid becoming cynical, stoic, apathetic or indifferent to the emotional roller coasters of life?
Managing your anger is not about destroying it. You are going through life together, and you should be in charge, benefiting from its wisdom and its strength, but you should not be controlled by it.
Here’s to a year of healthy, productive, limited anger.
Let’s bring more light than heat into 2024.
