We were coming up the trail at a good clip when he stopped me.
“Wait,” he said, holding me back. “Look.”
I followed the direction of his pointing finger with my gaze — about 10 feet in front of us there was a mass of branches, growing in a strange swirl.
“It’s a giant wood spider web,” he told me. “The spiders themselves get to be like this big.”
With his hands, he made a circle shape about the size of one of my Fiestaware dessert plates. His eyes were wide.
“Oh my god!” I said. “That’s terrifying!”
Then I looked solidly at his face.
Newsflash, folks.
I am an idiot.
“I don’t know who I hate more,” I said. “You, or me for believing you just now.”
To make matters worse, this guy isn’t exactly the Mountain State Les Stroud — he just moved here from L.A. like two months ago. I was taking lessons on West Virginia wildlife from a transplanted Californian.
It’s a miracle I didn’t buy it hook, line and sinker when he told me Bigfoot lived along the Sasquatch Trail we turned onto shortly after.
To be fair, this dude brought with him a special hat, a backpack, bear spray and some sort of fancy “camel bag” to drink from. He wore walking boots on his feet.
So it wasn’t entirely my fault for trusting that he knew stuff.
Especially considering my idea of “hiking gear” is a cute sweatshirt and some Smartwater bought at Sheetz right beforehand.
Now that I think about it, maybe that’s what gave me away.
My constant answer of “um, good question” to his queries about the area probably didn’t help my case, either.
“Which water body is this?” “Um, good question.” “Are there snakes here?” Um, good question.”
Have you ever been outside before?
Um, good question.
What can I say? I am not exactly one with nature. I grew up outside D.C. and only began venturing into the woods here in the last year or so.
Luckily, I’m not a woman who is incapable of laughing at herself. There is no one more aware of how ridiculous I am than yours truly.
Well, maybe this guy now.
Hopefully I managed to redeem myself at dinner a bit later, back in my natural habitat where I know the lay of the land.
“Burrata is a soft cheese made with cream and mozzarella.” “The garlic aioli is key to the fries.” “The Brussels sprouts need surface area to get crispy.” “Pot de creme, that’s baked custard set with egg.”
I may be useless in the wilderness, but I can go Bear Grylls on a menu.
Live and learn, I guess, kids.
(Also, never trust a special hat.)
Katie McDowell is the managing editor and lifestyles columnist for The Dominion Post. Email her at kmcdowell@dominionpost.com
