by Laura Nielsen
How does an adult man who is 6-foot-3, 203 pounds, a first-round NHL draft pick and Stanley Cup winner become a victim of alleged sexual assault by another man?
But Kyle Beach’s story shows that physical power does not always prevent sexual assault. The bro-culture we see so often in sports, fraternities and other male-dominated spaces can hide and sometimes even encourage sexual assault. We’ve studied this kind of assault — and know how to help our boys and young men see the signs before they (or their friends) become victims.
First, know that men are sexually assaulted — and with very real consequences. Your young man (and maybe even you) may scoff at the idea that he could become a victim of sexual assault. But Beach’s story isn’t unusual. Fully 16% of men say they were assaulted by the time they reached the age of 18. Around 5% to 6% of men will experience sexual assault during college. And these are just the ones willing to acknowledge it.
It’s a myth that all men can fight off all other men. Men can be manipulated or threatened into dangerous situations that don’t involve physical struggle but are nonetheless rape. Here’s what happens to these victims:
- People who’ve been sexually assaulted are more likely to attempt suicide.
- Nearly one-third (31%) of all rape victims develop PTSD.
- Thirty percent of rape victims endure at least one major depressive episode in their lifetime. For 21%, that comes at the time of the rape.
- Targets of sexual violence who are in school typically see a significant drop in their GPA. After a sexual assault, they typically attend class less frequently and have difficulty concentrating on and completing school work.
- Sexual assault victims are more likely to drop out of school than other students
Your son may insist it won’t happen to him. So encourage him to think about his best friend, teammate or fellow altar boy. He can help minimize such harsh life consequences for them by being aware of the signs.
Your early teenage or college-bound young man has had some form of sex education in school, community groups, religious school — or maybe on their phones when you aren’t looking. Start from there and ask what he knows about the importance of sexual consent. Ask what he remembers from these courses. It won’t be much, we promise; the information is generally pretty forgettable. Still, just asking about it will help reinforce its importance. Try to have this conversation in a way that lets him imagine himself (not a young woman he is with) being the one giving or refusing consent.
Second, know how sexual assault happens — and help your young man watch for signs.
Most sexual assaults begin in full view — so encourage him to assess if he is OK and intervene to see if others are OK. In some hierarchical groups in particular (such as fraternities and athletic cohorts), there’s sometimes an older student, coach, scoutmaster or priest who takes advantage of those weaker or lower in the chain, offering extra attention, taking them under his wing, “playfully” grabbing private parts a little too often. Suggest that your young man take seriously any behavior that just doesn’t feel quite right, whether it’s happening to him or someone else. Speaking up early and refusing to play along when his “spidey-sense” is tingling can make a big difference.
Tell your son to respect his own intuition. It’s easy to laugh off teasing, but ignoring sexual bullying tells perpetrators they have free rein. The more sexual bullying is downplayed the less likely it is for those in authority to recognize when it has gone too far.
Finally, help your son develop strategies for speaking up.
It’s easy for young people to override an uneasy sense that something’s a little off. If the coach, older player or frat brother is paying too much attention in a way that doesn’t seem quite right, tell them to talk to someone. If the person in charge doesn’t do anything, then he should talk to someone else, maybe you. Develop a group strategy for throwing an abuser off. Encourage your son to speak up early in a way that makes clear he — or his friend — won’t stay quiet if something bad happens.
That can be hard in a culture where a young man has been trained to respect the hierarchy and do what he’s told, or that the team needs him to “go along” so that they can win. Before he speaks up, he can arrange allies in advance, and then quietly and powerfully make it clear that none of the men are looking away. Maybe your son says, “Hey coach, do you like John more than the rest of us?” Maybe he makes sure none of them go into a male authority figure’s office without a buddy waiting outside. Together they can make it clear that messing with their crew won’t be worth the trouble.
Do most sports leagues, colleges and universities have this under control? No. Just ask the Blackhawks, who just paid a $2 million fine.
To be sure, rapists are the primary cause of sexual violence. But let’s give our young men a better chance at avoiding pain and shame by helping them be alert.
Laura Nielsen is a professor of sociology at Northwestern University and a research professor at the American Bar Foundation. She is also director of the Center for Legal Studies at Northwestern University.
