I tend to hate romantic comedies.
But recently, some folks thought I might be living in one.
After an ad ran in our paper last week seeking a mystery woman from the frozen pizza aisle, I had quite a few people reach out, wondering if perhaps it was me.
You probably saw it: A big tagline reading, “If you like pina coladas … getting caught in the rain.”
A description of a meet-cute at Sabraton Kroger, from a man desperate to know more about a girl he spoke to.
She was buying pizza and pet products. Waxing philosophical about pepperoni. And talking about her latest Netflix binge.
She said she didn’t eat meat. There was a tattoo on the inside of her forearm.
All of that fits.
But alas, the she wasn’t me.
I’ll admit even I wondered for a second. I do spend what feels like an inordinate amount of time at Kroger — in the frozen food section in particular, lately.
Whether fortunately or unfortunately, however, there were several red flags that took me out of the running.
A). While it is probably the meat product I miss the most, my vegetarianism doesn’t break for pepperoni. As much as I may occasionally yearn for those salty little pools of grease.
B). It sounds as though this woman was capable of having a normal conversation at the grocery store. I, apparently, am not, as evidenced by the last time someone talked to me while I was shopping. “So many yogurts, right? Gahhh,” I believe was my response before scurrying away awkwardly toward the cereal. Not exactly a scintillating opener.
C.) I have been cold since September, so the likelihood of my wearing fewer than three long-sleeved layers, outside of the shower — thus exposing my arm tattoo — is low to nonexistent.
D). The last thing I enthusiastically binged on Netflix was a four-episode limited series about the Night Stalker — a horrendously violent serial killer named Richard Ramirez who terrorized California in the 80s, raping, murdering, kidnapping and molesting dozens of men, women and children.
Not exactly the kind of thing that, when shared, makes men say, “Wow, I simply must know more about this beguiling woman. She seems like an angel.”
And if all that wasn’t enough:
E). I’ve seen posts shared online that the two have actually met for a date, which apparently went gangbusters.
I haven’t left my house for months except, go figure, to buy groceries.
But hey, it was fun to briefly consider the possibilities.
Even if it did make me realize that pizza-gorging, TV-watching dog lady seems to be how most people see me.
Not that I’m mad about it. That’s probably how I’d cast me, too.
So, good luck to you, Real Pizza Girl, and your potential Ready Made Foods Prince Charming. Here’s hoping you two have a lovely future together.
Regardless of what happens, you gave us something sweet to talk about, when so much else feels grim.
Believe it or not, this jaded, horror-loving cynic is wishing you the best — and rooting for a real romantic, happy ending.
And if I may, might I suggest the Kroger Self Rising Crust Four Cheese, doctored up with veggie sausage (I recommend Morningstar Farms Hot & Spicy), green olives, mushrooms and peppadews. Delish.
Katie McDowell is the managing editor and lifestyles columnist for The Dominion Post. Email kmcdowell@dominionpost.com.
